Crystal Triangle

Whooo booooyyyyeeee!!! This is Frat Boy here, and we had ourselves some fun between drivin' our cars on the dean's lawn and pickin' up ugly women. We watched Crystal Triangle, and it was a blast!

Now Crystal Triangle has this guy, Kamishiro, you know? He's like Indiana Jones, only he blows up stuff. Lots of stuff. Including the ruins he's traveled thousands of miles to check out. But man, it's OK, because stuff blowing up is cool. Heh heh. He meets this chick Juno, and she's like hot, right? So they get it on, but then she disappears. Meanwhile, just like my main man Jones, Kamishiro is a professor. Since Juno's hightailed it, he goes and picks up some students to help him find out this last message of God he found out about at these ruins. Apparently, Moses and Christ and Mohammed didn't get the whole message, 'cause they were good, holy people but they drank too much or somethin'. (But I don't really think God would do that, do you? I would have like to have met Moses at a kegger.)

Anyway, everybody's after this secret that can only be found through The Ancient Language. Dude, I don't know what ancient language, just The Ancient Language. You know, The Ancient Language that only archeologists know, right? OK then. Now the CIA and the KGB show up, and they bring some armies with them. Now normally I'm right on for peace, you know, but like I said before, since they're gonna blow stuff up, it's cool. Now Kamishiro and his friends are right in the middle of the whole thing...and then Juno shows up for the CIA, and Rasputin's grandson shows up for the KGB, and they're all ticked off at each other. Oh yeah, I forgot...there are these creatures that are gonna take over the world, you know, 'cause this sun Nemesis is gonna like fry all us humans off the earth and leave it for these things with, like, 12 legs and big teeth. But Kamishiro's the man, right? So all this is goin' on, but you know he's gonna find the Big Man's final message, 'cause Kamishiro's too cool to wind up smacked down by some tentacle dude.

Now man, you know, I really don't know if you'll get into the show sober. I mean, the animation is all kind of, you know, old and dumb lookin'. And the plot I gave you, well, that's really kind of the way it works. All of it comes together OK and there's lots of action, but nothing makes sense in the real world. I mean, God's final message? Rogue stars? Come on. And there are these guys who try to speak English in the thing, only it's really bad English. It's like what Lenny here sounds like when he's gotten through half a bottle of Everclear in 20 minutes, you know? You can't take it seriously at all, man. It's like a low-rent version of Spriggan. Only Spriggan looks freakin' awesome, and this doesn't.

You know what I said about being sober and watching it? I don't know that you'd want to watch it drunk either, man. Just thinking about it is givin' me a hangover. But with a bunch of buddies to make fun of it, it might just work. Yeah, that's it--make fun of it with some friends, and it moves fast enough that you might find it kinda cool in that Dungeons and Dragons kinda way. All right, man, peace out.

Crystal Triangle -- violence, language, brief nudity -- C-